My 6 Month Old was My Valentine

How sweet it is to have a little son.

Last year at this time, my husband was in Saudi Arabia working for a month. Once he left, time seemed to almost stand still. Everyday seemed so lonely, even on days when I was surrounded by friends at family, I knew I was going home to an empty bed. Without my best friend life is so lonely, my only comfort was knowing this is temporary.
My sweet little boy was 6 months old at the time. Being an early talker, he said "Dada" just a week after my husband left. How bittersweet I felt in that moment, tears streaming down my face. He also started adding the word 'love' and would say "love dad" probably just mimicking me. As the days went on, my son started to be more cuddly and needed more hugs. My mother-in-law told me my son sensed that I needed the extra affection and comfort. I think we both did.

A friend of mine had a guest pass at gym nearby and I joined her for Zumba on Valentine's Day. They have great childcare so I didn't hesitate, Everett would play there. When class was over I went to pick him up and he was just starting to miss me. A little teary eyed he clung to me as if I had rescued him, he's so dramatic and sweet.
At home I was playing with my 6 month old, tickling his feet, listening to his hearty giggle, kissing his chubby cheeks but still feeling pretty down.
Everett looked at me with a big smile and said "love ya mama!"

Tears welled up in my eyes, I still couldn't believe what I had heard. I missed my husband but in that moment my sweet little boy helped me forget.

I held and cuddled him all the more, that night he gave me the best Valentine a mama could imagine.

Reminding Myself Staying Home IS Important

Little Helper 'making dinner'

Sometimes I look at my life as a stay at home mother and think of all the roads not traveled. I think of all things I could have done, career choices I could have made, possible degrees I may have received by now. I have always been a big dreamer so I had many ambitions growing up. Sometimes I do get discouraged that I only have an associates, that doesn't get me very far. At times I deeply desire to create and wish I had been able to finish my Graphic Design degree and been more educated to make finished projects beautiful things. 
Sigh, the road not traveled. Each time I first meet someone new I am reminded that I am not a 'high achiever.' They have no idea what I went through that led me here, or what my life story would tell them about these decisions. Its concerns me, I feel like I have  to prove that there is more to me, even just to give the person a sense that I am intelligent and I have thought hard about the conscious decisions I have made. Interesting how people really do give me a sense that I’m doing less important things, or that I’m lazy because I stay home with my one child. 

'helping' sweep

I’m not going to try to argue that I work harder. I have friends who do all the housework and work a full time job. I am, however, realizing that what I do is important, it’s important to my son, and very important to my husband. I am a people person and yet I stay home most of my days, almost alone. My skills are people oriented and anything remotely creative, and yet I spend a lot of my time cleaning - a skill I never could acquire. Most of the time at the end of the day this optimist usually says “well, tomorrow I’ll be better at this.” Most of the time, everyday, I feel like I’m “bad at life.” 
I would much rather play with my son all day, do crafts, and decorate my house. It seems like mundane tasks get in the way, but they are important. And because it is a full time job to take care of the household with a toddler I GET to be with my little boy everyday! I can visibly see it on my husband's face, the relief he feels when he comes home to a clean or at least cleaner home. I heed to remember how the work I do allows my husband to get so many other things done. And he can spend more precious time with our son. I don’t need to prove the importance to anyone but sometimes I need to be reminded. 
Maybe I need to prove it to myself every now and than.

playing with daddy

How do you Love Your Second as Much as Your First Child?

When we were first open to having a second child, I truly felt like 'it was time' and that those motions were from the Lord, but I have to say, a lot of my thinking was "Everett, our son needs a sibling, a playmate."
I know that adding to the family is a lot of work and two is harder than one. I have always been happy with 'organized chaos.' "If its already a little crazy, lets just add to it and figure it out, this is just a stage in our lives, what's the difference if it gets a little more hectic?"

I absolutely adore our son, our first, our oldest. With every fiber in my being. Its amazing to think, that sweet boy came out of our genetics. That brilliant little problem-solver looks to me for guidance, his mama. "Mama, " that special name that only he gets to call me. Everett says it was such cheerfulness and love in his voice, it brings me to tears at times.
Soon another little one will be calling me mama.
I have been torn with feelings that confuse me sometimes. As Everett grew in my body I felt a strong bond, I cherished him, prayed for him daily, for hours. I had a strong sense of purpose. I felt early on that this little one belongs with me, but with this second child, I don't feel those same strong feelings. I didn't feel vary well a lot of my first trimester with this pregnancy, I just felt frustrated that I was stuck on the couch, not myself while my toddler ran around.

How in the world do you love a second child the way that you love your first? Its almost hard to imagine. I was so amazed at the amount of love I had for this sweet boy immediately after I gave birth. There is no other relationship in the world like that. Friendships and bonds slowly grow over time, but I had more love for that sweet helpless child that looks like my husband and I than I ever knew I had.
How are you able to have that much love for another baby? Its hard for me to wrap my mind around.
A dear friend of mine told me "its amazing but you just do, your love expands and grows."

I heard baby #2 heartbeat and cried, I was so happy there was a sweet baby in my body again, that it was okay, and I started to feel more connected.
My husband and I went in for an early ultrasound at 10.5 weeks and got to see our sweet little baby #2 and its already a baby. I couldn't believe that little child kicked so much already. That's our little baby right there!

My heart is growing.